Original Painting

Acrylic on Canvas

80 cm x 170cm

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Short story, we found an abandoned villa next to my shop and did exactly what I was dreaming about. I should be happy for this achievement right? But in the new place we face new and different problems. It started with renovation which requires so many people to work in it and it creates so many stressful situations. Workers fee was much more expensive than the villa rent itself. Did I enjoy it? I didn’t enjoy it because day by day I only face and solve new challenges. There so many times I was crying, shouting out loud, and say I would give up! The next day after I calm down, I realize I can’t give up because I already spent too much time and energy in it.

Finally villa is all sorted. I have a nice place to sleep and work with a restaurant in front of it. I thought now it will be time to have a good rest a bit, but actually the different and new journey just started and I need to face new problems. It is more than just building something and organizing builders. It is about managing and running the restaurant and rental, staff, food, visitors and customers. All this happens on top of my painting workshop and Wildindo production.

How different is the beautiful dream about have a restaurant and cafe compare to reality with so much work, energy, time and money which make me keep question myself what have I learned from all this? Am I really happy my dream has become? How to be thankful for what I have now? And it all leads to final question what does really matter in life.

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First stage is grief and denial, where there are three female heads among cacti trying to escape or simply to take a breath of fresh air. It is where the problem starts, where I fight with myself. The more I try to escape the more painful I feel. The pain makes me angry at myself, blaming my family and others that are connected to my past. I end up with depression.

Second stage is acceptance. I paint it with a symbol of open eye. It takes time to evaluate everything that happened in the past. When, where and why that problem has happened. During that time I did a lot of meditation and personal retreat. When I accept the conditions now and the past I also forgive whoever makes me angry, whoever I blame in the past. I think I forgive to people, but actually what happens is I accept myself and I forgive myself.

Stage Three is Healing process. I paint two women controlling flamingos, me as women and flamingos as a sadness. When I accept and forgive everything that happened in the past I slowly get my strength to continue with my life. I think about what really matters in my life, about my priorities, which guide me to make myself happy. Sadness and self pity is not gone forever but whenever they come I can control them and not be controlled.

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