In the woman’s world pleasure is often hard to accomplish. She herself need to find it, connected to the deepest self, soul and spirit. Some have come from long journey, some find it as quick as a wink but at some point we are all meet in the greatest enjoyment. Guilty not, taboo not, it is an abundant love that a woman give to herself.
Since beginning of my carrier I’ve always had a dream to have an
art shop next to my house, a cafe place in front of it where I can
meet up with my clients. It sounds like a beautiful dream. I shared
my dream with my family and my partner several times but it just
didn’t happen, because of time and money. Until one day my ego got
a tantrum. I said to myself I want it now, I already worked so hard,
I deserve it!
story, we found an abandoned villa next to my shop and did exactly
what I was dreaming about. I should be happy for this achievement
right? But in the new place we face new and different problems. It
started with renovation which requires so many people to work in it
and it creates so many stressful situations. Workers fee was much
more expensive than the villa rent itself. Did I enjoy it? I didn’t
enjoy it because day by day I only face and solve new challenges.
There so many times I was crying, shouting out loud, and say I would
give up! The next day after I calm down, I realize I can’t give up
because I already spent too much time and energy in it.
villa is all sorted. I have a nice place to sleep and work with a
restaurant in front of it. I thought now it will be time to have a
good rest a bit, but actually the different and new journey just
started and I need to face new problems. It is more than just
building something and organizing builders. It is about managing and
running the restaurant and rental, staff, food, visitors and
customers. All this happens on top of my painting workshop and
different is the beautiful dream about have a restaurant and cafe
compare to reality with so much work, energy, time and money which
make me keep question myself what have I learned from all this? Am I
really happy my dream has become? How to be thankful for what I have
now? And it all leads to final question what does really matter in
This painting is part of my meditation how I see myself in a journey of healing.
First stage is grief and denial, where there are three female heads among cacti trying to escape or simply to take a breath of fresh air. It is where the problem starts, where I fight with myself. The more I try to escape the more painful I feel. The pain makes me angry at myself, blaming my family and others that are connected to my past. I end up with depression.
Second stage is acceptance. I paint it with a symbol of open eye. It takes time to evaluate everything that happened in the past. When, where and why that problem has happened. During that time I did a lot of meditation and personal retreat. When I accept the conditions now and the past I also forgive whoever makes me angry, whoever I blame in the past. I think I forgive to people, but actually what happens is I accept myself and I forgive myself.
Stage Three is Healing process. I paint two women controlling flamingos, me as women and flamingos as a sadness. When I accept and forgive everything that happened in the past I slowly get my strength to continue with my life. I think about what really matters in my life, about my priorities, which guide me to make myself happy. Sadness and self pity is not gone forever but whenever they come I can control them and not be controlled.